2.14.2014

How To Be Alone.

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One of my promises for this blog was to get back into writing, because after all it was excessive sharing and writing that got me here in the first place, but that's another interesting story for another time. Fashion is fun, as is beauty, but one thing i've always found therapeutic, is writing. I was reading through Stella's (Stella's Wardrobe) post on "Generation Single" and it inspired me to write this.

Your twenties are often described as your "pinnacle years". They are said to be the years that shape and mould you into the person you will be. As i'm approaching the ripe old age of twenty three and the clanging of the mid-twenties-oh-my-gawd-sort-your-life-out-bell is fast upon me, so many things run in and out of my head. Currently it's "What the hell do I do after I graduate?" and "Oh my gosh i'm going to die alone with ten cats aren't I?". In your twenties, particularly if you're approaching your mid-twenties, there is this tendency to want everything here and now, and we constantly compare ourselves to our friends and other acquaintances. There are some things in life you simply cannot control, so when things don't quite go our way in life, it hits hard.

I think loneliness is something many of us deal with as a society today. But I don't think being alone in regards to relationships is such a bad thing, it took a lot to change my view on that though. When I was younger, i'd say (with confidence) that I'd meet my true love at university, i'd be engaged by twenty-three (twenty-four at most) married at twenty-five and with kids by my thirties. Whilst, this could all very well happen (Albeit rather late considering i'm approaching twenty-three and I still manage to repel the opposite sex) I've finally realised that finding love is not the be all and end all of life.

Something interesting happened to me between the ages of nineteen and twenty-one, I often call these my "drowning years" because everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I worried and worried about things that, now that I look back on, were very underwhelming and highly unimportant. I put my eggs into baskets that had holes in them and after a while, I was very alone. One of the main reasons for starting this blog was that it was an outlet for the intense loneliness I felt when I began University. Writing and having lovely people like yourselves take interest and comment was very cathartic, and while the company though my laptop screen was wonderful for a while, I couldn't ignore the fact that I felt like I was in a very deep dark hole without a ladder. My problem wasn't being alone as such, but rather the type of aloneness i felt. I didn't understand how to be alone, or rather i should say, I didn't know how to enjoy my own company, I couldn't bear the silence, I hated it, I cried, I screamed and sulked. Why doesn't anyone want me? Those words would squeeze the breath out of my lungs and hit me square in the chest almost every night, but... Something shifted, and till this day i'm still not sure what exactly it was but slowly and softly, I began to enjoy my solitude, and i realised, that I didn't need someone to complete me, I needed myself to complete me. And so began the relentless journey towards radical self love, I read writings and poems from other women who were in the same situations as me, and I fed off their resilience. (Here are two of my favourites, one by Caitlyn and one by Warsan) Every word laced with femininity and sheer strength helped me get to where I am now, and although things might not be perfect, i can still appreciate the wonder in everything, and for once, myself.

Love is a beautiful thing, and I can't wait to experience it in it's fullness, but never feel that there is something wrong with you because the love your friends are experiencing has yet to hit you in the chest. I'm a firm believer of good karma and everything in it's own time. So, if you're alone right now, and you feel like the whole world is crashing down beside you, you are not alone. I'm here, in my little bedroom sending you warmth, positive vibes and love. Focus on the most important thing, yourself, look at yourself, you are beautiful, wonderfully made and perfect with every flaw. If you don't love yourself, who on earth can love you?




And if you needed a little nudge, watch the video above called "How To Be Alone". It's one of my favourites. Remember to take care of yourself this Valentine's Day. Self care and Self Love are so important. 





34 comments

  1. I definitely, 100% needed this today. Thank you :) xx

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  2. Such a beautiful and heartwarming post. I will always believe that the fantasies we had as kids of being popular and loved, subtly haunt us still. So when we grow up and those things don't come to pass (lots of friends, spouses, money), we're then stuck trying to figure out what we think we're doing wrong. I think there's a difference between being alone and experiencing loneliness. The latter is more negative, and is often a result of literally having no friends or family. Being lonely, though is an entirely positive thing, it is solitude, it is time for self reflection, time for self love. This is the kind of 'lonely' more people should invest time in, I think.

    www.coconutandcreamblog.com

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    1. Thank you Sherida, I think you hit the nail on the head, we always think the problem is us when it's really not! Being alone isn't such a bad thing, being lonely is :) xo

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  3. I really love this post! I especially need to understand that it is okay to be alone sometimes without feeling there's something wrong with me. Thanks for sharing xxx

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    1. Thank you Faye, I'm so happy you enjoyed reading it! xo

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  4. I'm obsessed with this. Sometimes I forget that I will have a lifetime to meet new people, interesting people. Sometimes its easy to feel unwanted especially as a young person when you're supposed to be painting the town red, dating all the boys, going to all the parties, "living". I'm still learning to accept myself, but it's nice know these feelings aren't reserved for me only!

    blazoningpens.blogspot.com

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    1. That's exactly it! When you're not painting the town red and dating you start to feel like you're doing something wrong :) Keep learning to accept yourself! You are fearfully and wonderfully made xo

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  5. LOVE this post. I was just reading this nodding along to everything you've written, I can relate so much it's like you took the words out of my brain haha! Every now and then I'll still be a bit like 'No one will ever want me :'(((((((' for like 5 minutes but now I actually love being alone. I think more people should learn how to be alone, sometimes people seem to be in relationships that are bad for them just because they're scared of not having anyone so they're just with people who bring them down. I know I'd rather be alone then put up with that! And I really don't get the rush, we're all so young so there's no need to settle down already...as you say, everything happens in it's own time and we have a whole lifetime!
    Happy Valentine's Day Sade! xxx

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    1. Thanks Josie! And yes! I think clinging onto relationships that are unhealthy for fear of not having anyone is so bad, mentally and emotionally. I'd rather stay on my own for a bit and learn to really enjoy my own company :) And happy belated Val's day to you too Josie! :)

      IN MY SUNDAY BEST BLOG

      Sade xo

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  6. Being 24, single and spending my 5th consecutive valentines day on my own, I totally needed to see this and I feel so uplifted. I too feel like I've got to the stage where I'm finally comfortable in my own company but I'm not going to lie and say it seen easy or that it always is, I still have my moments where I feel alone and like I need that companionship. I however get through those bad spells somehow and carry on through. Hopefully u me and all the other people who relate will be awarded for our patience with companions that will always be there. I'm so happy I followed your blog, you've made my day! Xx
    www.tashpantz.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you Tash! And don't worry, you'll get that love one day and you're right, you'll be rewarded for your patience :) So happy you enjoy reading my blog!

      IN MY SUNDAY BEST BLOG

      Sade xo

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  7. What a beautiful post. I am so lucky that I enjoy being alone and loneliness is never an issue for me, even when I first moved to London and didn't know a soul. But it means I can become too introverted and forget to socialise, which has its own dangers. xx

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    1. Thank you Lauren! I too enjoy being alone, but i think there is a certain type of alone-ness that sometimes hits you without knowing! I love a good balance, but there is something so lovely about coming back home to an empty flat :)

      IN MY SUNDAY BEST BLOG

      Sade xo

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  8. beautiful written I adore your blog !

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  9. This is such a lovely post, I used to feel this way when I was in middle school because everyone was getting there "first boyfriend" and I was feeling ignored and unwanted.Towards highschool and now, I've learned to appreciate being to myself and rather enjoy it I like to think, the time I spend loving myself is practice for when the right person comes into my life and I'll merely share that love
    Deejay Speaks

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    1. Thanks Dinesha :) Yes, appreciate and yourself relentlessly! Because if you don't love yourself, who will? :) xo

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  10. This is something that has been consuming my thoughts for a while now and it's crazy how much I relate to this post but thank you very much for sharing xx

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    1. Thanks Saadiya, I always say a problem shared is a problem halved :) xo

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  11. This was a beautiful post! I also believe it is important to love yourself first in order to be complete.

    www.lookwhatigot.co.uk

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  12. This post totally touched me Sade, I could agree more with everything you have said (so wonderfully written to!!) I also thought id be pretty much settled down with a hubby and kids by the time I was 25, I always thought 25 was really old when I was in my teens! It's really not, I'm 27 and still flying the single flag albeit after a few shitty relationships! I'm planning on moving to London this year to so I'm glad you say your twenties are for finding yourself as that's what I'm trying to do! :-) happy valentines doll xx

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    1. Thanks for reading it Abbie :) And I agree, age is but a number, and it's terrible that we attribute goals to certain ages and sexes :/ I hope you love London just as much as I do when you move down! :) xo

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  13. This is such a great post Sade. its funny you never think anyone feels/thinks the way you do but its comforting to know we all share a common 'struggle' I too planned my life like you. When your younger you think by the time you reach 'that age' you will have it all figured out. At 27 i too am single and more than ever before i am so happy to be. Ive never had a problem being alone but somehow always found my way into a relationship but now I'm determined to have some proper 'me' time and build me up so that i can be where Ive always wanted to be. There are so many places i want to travel, experience and do. And i still struggle with knowing what I want to do in life lol this gets me down bcos i feel like i should already know i did the studying, uni, work etc but I'm still at a loss because i crave more! just don't know how to get it but Im working on it one day at a time. Anyways I'm waffling. Like i said great post, heres to finding ourselves! xxx

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    1. Thanks Lavinya! And yes, i think it's so important to live your life, it's so easy to dwell on what isn't going to plan instead of enjoying what is! :) xo

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  14. Wow, much needed. I've been struggling with my position in life; comparing myself to others my age who seems more successful or as if they have a better handle on life. I'm approaching the age of 24 and question my worth based on what I thought I've shouldve accomplished by now. I realize that I'm exactly where I should be and I'm on track to my greatness. Thanks for your positive vibes!

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    1. You are very welcome! I write (ramble) so that others that are in the same position don't feel so alone, plus it's great to look back on when i'm having a down day :) Never ever question your worth girl, you are wonderfully and fearfully made xo

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  15. This is such a lovely post, thanks for writing it!!:) x

    www.thebeautymist.com

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  16. Learning to be alone is one of the most important things I've learnt through out my very recent and very horrible break up. Your words are flawless as always xxxx

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    1. Thank you Maria! So glad you enjoyed it :) xo

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  17. Aw this is lush - love that video - the woman is so cool, just going dancing by herself - love it!

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    1. Thanks Erin :) I love that video! xo

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Thankyou for commenting :) I read every single one!

XOXO Sade

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