As I walked through the passageway from the Victoria line to the oyster barriers at Kings Cross, a young masked couple gently found each other’s hands, and as they walked on, the man hummed a little tune and twirled his partner, her auburn curls spinning around her as he pulled her close. I smiled a big smile under my own mask and softly wished them a good evening under my breath.
When I was a little girl, one of my favourite things to do was play with Barbies. I had a little plastic Barbie townhouse, with a Barbie car and a few of Barbies friends too. Whenever I could, I would scramble across my bedroom floor and sit cross-legged for hours making up stories, each one more vivid than the other. One day I received a Ken doll and my Barbie dreams finally felt fully complete – Barbie had a husband, a great job, a beautiful house and a daughter (which was a tiny Shelley doll I think?) It was… the dream and I suppose what I had envisioned adulthood to be as a child. Now with 30 hot on my heels, sometimes smile to myself remembering how simple things were then, how big I allowed myself to dream. How sweet and simple it all felt.
I still remember my primary school playground crushes, quick kisses on flushed cheeks with a flurry of innocent giggling overhead. Secondary school brought an onslaught of hormones and with that the Twilight series, which left me both infatuated and reeling – wishing I had a vampire boyfriend to scale my garden walls at night. University came like a thief in the night, and this is where things changed. Feelings became intensified as did the realisation that love and relationships are hard work. I bent myself out of shape to appeal to boys who considered me less valuable than the dirt under their shoes, and then I closed myself off for years, until I decided to try one last time, and with this I was left holding fragments of my heart, keeling over and crying during my Masters thesis submission – one of the most important moments of my life (trust men to think it’s a good idea to dump you during your deadlines). I…. was very angry for a while, and then, I suppose life happened and I placed all of my misguided feelings into a metaphorical box and hid them far away.
My thoughts on love and relationships feel a lot more complicated now. Once bitten twice shy and all that jazz, now I wonder if it is fear that has put a thick veil of realism over my feelings on love, dating and relationships. The thought of being so open, so vulnerable to the rawness of potential heartbreak makes me feel a little sick. So I squirrel myself away and I focus on work, I focus on achieving the goals that are directly related to my output, and I put a lid on anything that involves risks of the heart. I was once a girl led by passion and her heart, but I’ve grown into a woman solely led by common sense and caution. Dating is a confusing maze. Dating as a black woman is a veritable labyrinth, and every time you think you’re close to finding the exit – you’re taken right back to the start. Add to that, being a black Christian woman and my friends – the dating pool is at most a murky puddle, and with it the disappointing realisation that it is exceptionally harder to find a suitable partner (or any partner really) when you’re a straight black woman. So it’s either I settle for something that will not serve myself or the other person long term, or I hold out hope, or I just… get on with life. My next big milestone and probably the milestone that means the most to me is saving for my own tiny (and I mean tiny, given London’s prices) flat on the outskirts of London. A place for me to be wholly me, a place to call my own, a space that I create to be my home, and for the longest time I held out thinking I couldn’t possibly do this alone – everyone else does it with a spouse, but time waits for no {wo}man and the thought of coming home to a beautifully furnished space, put together with love and care, topped off with a snoozing pup somewhere on my bed just feels too beautiful a dream to ‘wait’ for.
“Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love…but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.” – Mandy Hale
For me, love in itself isn’t a feeling, it isn’t an act, it isn’t butterflies and bright red fluttering hearts. Love is a choice. Love is waking up every day and choosing to love another, it is doing things because you’ve chosen to love another, it is sacrifice because you’ve chosen to love another. Love isn’t pink and pretty – love is hard, love is compromise, love is work, love is a choice. And I think after my last failed attempt at a flimsy ‘relationship’ I realised that if I ever love, it will be with someone who understands that love isn’t just kisses and cuddles, but a deeper mutual appreciation and understanding of each other and the choice to do life together no matter what the world hurls at you both. The logical part of my brain has taken over and my mind is now hardwired to consider things like starting a family and I’ve been reflecting on wanting to be with someone I could raise healthy, happy, nurtured children with and that is easier said than done. One of my biggest fears is raising children with someone who wouldn’t be invested in cultivating a warm, safe home and it is something that is, I suppose at the top of my metaphorical ‘tick list’. I’ve been pondering more and more about the idea of raising a family alone, could I foster or adopt? Would I be able to care for and nurture children without a spouse? I’m still not sure.
I’ve been thinking of ways to wrap this up, but I simply can’t because who knows what the conclusion is. Maybe I’ll continue on this single streak, taking care of myself and loving myself as I deserve to be loved right up until my end, or maybe someone will come along and change everything I thought and held close in regards to romantic love and relationships. For me, this will be another quiet weekend evening like any other. But tonight, I will buy myself my favourite bottle of red wine (ironically introduced to me by my ex-boyfriend – Thanks for that Q!), I will watch Schitt’s Creek in my underwear and I will continue to serve myself whether or not someone comes along. It’s not easy, but it’s all I’ve got, my world will not stop spinning due to a lack of partner in my life now or ever, please don’t let yours either.
That was so lovely to read, your writing left me with an ache in my chest. Sending you a “good evening” from the US
I relate to and appreciate this post so much. I have also had similar thoughts around buying a house and actually thinking about the possibility of adopting alone if it came to that. For a long time I felt like I would need to ‘wait’ to do these kinds of things but being single has allowed me to really imagine a future that I would want for myself and if I find someone that would be great, if not, I can still make things just as great.
Beautiful thoughts, beautifully written. Whatever happens, whatever you decide, ‘Above all else, guard your heart.’ Take care and please keep writing.
This was such a beautiful, honest read. Regardless of the path you end up on I just want to say you carry within yourself a light, an unshakeable joy and a confidence that comes from knowing yourself; and it shines so strongly in this piece.
What a gorgeous and heartfelt post. I didn’t meet my love until the last year of my 20s and I feel very lucky to have have found him, but you’re so right a relationship is work, real work. You have to compromise, back down, apologise (which I’m really bad at) and move on. I look at him and my heart swells, but sometimes, me rhatid, I want to lick him!
I’m mixed race and I spent a lot of years in a predominantly white town (Cheltenham), so I have some understanding around race and dating.
You talk about those quiet weekends and those are one of the things I miss. I was single for a lot of years, so my own space was mine. Now I share that with someone who I adore, BUT those days where I spent a whole Sunday in bed reading with a pot of tea were just amazing. I love your approach and self-love is everything. I’m sure you’ll meet someone who’ll slot in perfectly and love you the way you deserve xx
So beautifully written Sade. Love is a series of choices, for sure. It twists and turns yet flows along every part of our paths. I feel so incredibly thankful that the world brought Harvey and I together because it’s something I’d never imagined possible. Oh! And you CAN get that house for yourself my love; take it from a woman that’s, against the odds, buying a house solo 😉 xx
Ohhh this tugged my heart strings I loved this soo much
This post has resonated with me so deeply because I’m also at a crossroads in my romantic life,being single and slightly disillusioned with dating and relationships because of a painful past. But life waits for no one, so do you girl, get that house and decorate your life and heart to your heart’s content. With our without someone else your life is worthy.
Beautiful post, Sade. Love and companionship, and the desire for it, is the one thing i gaslight myself the most about wanting. But even if we don’t get it, we do deserve the love we want.
Love is a daily choice and it isn’t always an easy choice, but it’s definitely a choice worth making. The most important choice, however, is not to compromise on your values and your own self-worth. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t share the things that *really* matter. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t know Jesus.
Those foundational values which will influence how you will raise your children, or how you will make big decisions, or how you will manage household bills and chores. All the things which aren’t fluffy hearts and unicorns. When life throws a major challenge or a major trauma, you need to know that the other person will be on your side and will support you and fight for you, no matter what. Team, team, team, to the exclusion of all else.
I only met my lady love a couple years ago, and the relationship progressed quickly and we married this year. It has been wonderful. It has been hard. The big challenge is my family. In-laws can be hard work, my immediate family in particular… But I have had to choose my wife over my family several times, which hasn’t always been easy but has absolutely been right. You need to ensure you choose someone who will put you first in all things and at all times. Second only to God. Your faith is important to you; it must be important to him too. Don’t compromise on that either, it should be non-negotiable. There may be an easy option by choosing a non-Christian but you want a partner for life, and when those trials come you need someone on the same page who will stand with you, pray with you and intercede for you.
Don’t despair, don’t feel forgotten or unwanted. God’s timing is perfect, and you will be a wonderful wife to someone some day. But enjoy this time of singlehood, because it’s precious. Don’t wish your life away, the grass is not always greener. It may be a different shade of green, but that’s not necessarily “better”, just different.
Good luck and God bless!
I adore how you’ve explained love here. I completely agree that it’s a choice, rather than a feeling or feelings – despite them playing into it. From being hurt in past relationships, I think I lost my naivety surrounding love and stopped seeing it as some sort of airy thing. I’ve found that instead it requires constant communication, improvement, patience and reflection – which is really hard(!) and why things often don’t work out. But, they’re also the things that let you fall deeper when they do. That being said, I definitely think the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important one we’ll ever have – and so I admire your choice to continue putting yourself first and to treat yourself in the ways you wholeheartedly deserve!
Beautifully written, Sade. I truly felt every paragraph in here. And you’re right, when we’re young we have all these ideals of what love is only to be overwhelmed by the truth. The truth about love is both crazy and beautiful indeed, it is more than just physical affection or presents, I like what you said about love being a choice because it truly is. I only knew what love really meant when I got married and got passed the “honeymoon” phase. I also think that mature love truly revolves around respect – for ourselves and our partners.
I love this post a lot, I will definitely go back to this and read it again. With how you’ve written this, I can very much say that you are a beautiful and brave soul.
Stay safe always.
Cheers,
Hanna / Heydays With Hanna
I was just wondering what real love is? And you have answered my question with an answer that resonates with me.
I find this so relatable. Thank you for sharing this. In my mid-twenties now and it’s been a roller-coaster ride.
INXSKY | No Piercing Ear Cuffs