On: Solitude & Being Single In Your Mid Twenties.

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Valen-Mine

It's 21:45 on a Saturday night and I'm scrambling for a last minute Valentine's day post because the one I was planning isn't quite ready yet, so this time next year expect a more polished post, but for today here's something that has been sitting on my mind quite a lot recently. I've touched on the act of self care, loneliness and now to touch on the notion of being incomplete if you're single. From a cultural perspective it goes; Education, Job, Marriage, Kids. Marriage itself plays a huge part in Nigerian culture, and i've gotten to the age where i've got a wedding to go to almost every summer, and every one on Facebook seems to be sporting a huge diamond on their left hand, so naturally i'm  feeling a little bit of pressure to find someone and settle down, particularly with every year that passes, but to me 30 is the new 20 anyway, but more on that in another post...
My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude - Warsan Shire
There is this notion that by a certain age you should have met someone, settled down and begun a life together, but I've been having this conversation on and off with my gal-pal's and asking the question, "What if that never happens though?" and the replies have been exclamations of "Oh my gosh don't curse yourself!" or "God won't let that happen to you" but why is it such a bad thing? Why is it a curse? I mean i'd love to be married and have kids in a happy and healthy relationship, but if that doesn't happen, will I fall down and die? Will I be shunned to some sort of coven of single women over a certain age and welcomed with cats, wine and horror movies? No. I'll live. I'm a very practical minded woman and any naivety i once held about my Prince Charming coming to pick me up and sweep me off my feet Edward Cullen in Twilight style has flown right out of the window, but it's not a bad thing because I think the older you get, the more comfortable you become and i think it's important to become so comfortable, enamoured and in love with yourself before anything else. Don't get me wrong, love is such a beautiful thing, and i've witnessed such a beautiful display of love and affection in my parent's marriage #lovegoals.  So what i'm trying to long-windedly say is if it happens, great, but if it doesn't, don't ever think that you're less of a person, or that there's something wrong with you, I know there will be a lot of people hanging their heads, clutching their chests and heaving heavily with bitter tears seeping out of their eyes at the memories of times past. But know that you are beautiful inside and out, and your worth is not defined by the presence of someone else. I've written more extensively on self love in the past, but I maintain how important it is, especially during your mid twenties, when you feel like everything should have fallen together by now. I'm living proof that sometimes it doesn't but it's still fine! I'm far from getting married, buying a house or having kids. I'm 24 1/2 and i'm in my first year of MArch, whereas when i was 14 i thought i'd be married by 25, working as a high profile fashion designer with my own flashy condo in Central London haha! A kid can dream right?
So, will I spontaneously combust if i don't fall in love, or meet someone, or get married at some point in my life? No, but my mum will probably be sad because with the amount of wedding programmes she's been watching, she probably has my wedding already planned out in her head, and the Aso Oke at the ready. If i won't explode into a million tiny pieces of shrapnel labelled "Why am I single?" then neither will you. If like me, you're single by choice, keep working on you for yourself, and if someone comes along, enjoy the moment. 

Happy Valentine's day to all my love birds and single pringles out there, have a day filled with love and all things sweet! I have plans to devour a pan full of brownies, do some yoga and binge watch Studio Ghibli films!

x

14 comments:

  1. Sade, I can't like this post enough! Oh, that Warsan Shire quote is so apt, I love my alone so much. And just as you mentioned, the older I get, the more comfortable I feel with myself, loving myself.

    I believe the time will come when I'll have to share some of me with someone and sometimes I fear it might be too hard to because of how much I enjoy this phase...but I'm still looking forward to it. Until then, I'll keep loving on me.

    Happy Valentine's :)

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  2. Girl, I met my hubby just before I turned 30 and got married at 31 - it will come when it's time. Everyone was so worried on my behalf, and I just didn't let them bug me.

    Berry Dakara Blog

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  3. Your post is so content and perfect that I don't feel the need to add anything really! I'm 25, this time really close to get my architecture degree and that's it for now... no job, no marriage and that's totally fine! Of course I thought I'd be in a different place when I was younger, but everytime someone asks me about all that and why I haven't 'achieved' them yet, instead of getting depressed, I prefer to ask myself 'how I feel about myself right now?' and since the answer is 'grateful, happy and content', I'm in the right place!

    Happy Valentine's Day to you too Sade! <3 <3 <3

    Diana P. | Cups & Roses

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  4. Happy Valentine's Day! Such a perfect post for someone like me who is approaching 29 and am actively choosing to be single at the moment. Loving yourself and your life is the main thing!

    Shanika | Shanika-says.blogspot.com

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  5. This is a great post. I think you realise that you are capable of being happy on your own in your mid-twenties. After all, if you do find someone, it should be someone you know you are happy sharing your adventures with rather than finding someone as a goal.

    Saskia / girlinbrogues.com

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  6. So much love for this post. Absolutely agree with everything you've said here. At the end of the day, if we're happy single then that's cool. If someone comes along that wants to share my strange sense of humour and love of couscous whilst watching tons of telly and taking too many pictures? That's cool too.

    Meg | A Little Twist Of…

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  7. Yes! I've met My Person but there's no guarantee it'll work out- you don't know what's going to happen. I'm alright with the fact I could end up being single for most of my life (in which case, I'll do a Coco Chanel and just have loads of lovers). I think girl friends are just as good as romantic partners and should be focused on just as much. x

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  8. I always tell myself "It'll happen, when it happens." :)

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  9. Aww lovely post Sade. You look beautiful. I'm 25 and thought I'd have 'checked off' quite a lot by now and haven't, but life just doesn't go the way you expect sometimes! I don't think we should put so much pressure on ourselves when we are still so young x

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  10. Happy Valentines day!
    I'm not a huge fan of this holiday to be honest, because it makes people crazy haha. Single life is tough sometimes, but it is not a death sentence. 99% of my friends are in serious relationships, and they all kind of look at me with pity, or try to give me a pep talk about how I won't be single for long, and I'm like, "guys, I'm ok. It's not a big deal." Not saying that I don't get lonely sometimes, or that I don't want companionship, because I do, but I want people to stop looking at me like I'm a charity case because I'm 23 and still single.

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  11. Love your hair in these photos! So fluffy.

    You've articulated my thoughts on the marriage issue. Everybody asking, asking...

    It's really not the end of the world, and it's not a curse to ask "What if it never happens?" People die everyday for different reasons. What happens to the ones they love, or the ones who love them? I love the person I'm with, and in many ways, he brings light to my life. It's nice to share life with him, but even if he wasn't here, I have always made it my priority to find the happiness my heart wants. I have always felt like I'd rather worry about the things I can control- how do I get X or Y certificate? How can I get promoted? Marriage is a 2-person thing, so why think you're a failure because of something half of which is outside your control?

    Yes, life alone may have its lonely moments (and interestingly, many people dating or married could still feel just as lonely, if not more!) but I can live with that. There is no right age to meet someone. What will happen will happen. The kids will be more than alright, abeg.

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  12. As a single Pringles, I can appreciate this post. I also completely agree with the W.S.quote. Somehow there is this inner desire in us humans to want to connect and be loved. Not to worry, love will find us all, I bet Prince Charming is somewhere in the world wondering you are and when he will have the privilege to to meet you!!!

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Thankyou for commenting :) I read every single one!

XOXO Sade

© IN MY SUNDAY BEST Maira Gall.